The Best Laid Plans of Vermin
by gethsemane342
Summary: Even vermin fall in love - but how do they get their crush to notice them?


**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Redwall Series.

**Rating: **One mild use of swearing.

The Best Laid Plans of Vermin

It was another normal day in the camp of the horde of Damug Warfang. Rats, ferrets, weasels, stoats and foxes were going about their business, waiting for any orders from their unpredictable warlord.

In the case of Redfang the rat, this business seemed to be staring at another rat. Slipeye happened to come across him doing so.

"Wot yer starin' at?" he asked, standing next to his friend.

Redfang jumped. "Nothin'."

Slipeye looked over at the rat. "Why yer starin' at 'er fer?" he asked.

"I'm not."

Slipeye laughed. "Yeah, ye are. Come on, mate, ye can tell me."

Redfang got up and walked away from the ferret. "I wasn't lookin' at 'er, I was scoutin' the land."

"Ye never scout land, Redfang."

"Sez who?"

"Sez me."

"Well, I do now, mate," he said triumphantly. "Cos of my orders."

"Wot orders?"

Redfang didn't know and wasn't quick enough to think of an answer.

Slipeye grinned. "I know why ye wuz starin' at 'er. Ye like 'er, don't ye?"

"No," muttered Redfang defiantly.

"Yeah, ye do."

"Wot does 'e do?" a voice behind them asked.

Slipeye turned to face the questioning ferret. "Reddy's starin' at the rat over there. I think 'e likes 'er."

"Shuttup."

Blugger grinned. "Reddy's found a mate. Ain't that nice?"

"If ye don't shut up, I'll shut ye up."

"'Ey, look, it's Blacknose and Splittail. Hey, Blackie, Splittie, come over 'ere. Ye'll never guess wot Reddy's done … ugh."

Redfang had hit Blugger over the head with a nearby lump of wood. As these things were considered a common way of settling an argument among the horde, Blacknose and Splittail didn't comment, except to kick the unfortunate ferret in the side. However, the passing Rapmark didn't have quite the same opinion and asked them what they had done to a fellow horde member.

The rat and two stoats all pointed at Redfang.

Whatever hitting your friends over the head might be, comradeship isn't part of it.

"Sorry sir," Redfang grovelled. "I, er, my, er … I was tryin' to get a fly."

"Do ye know the punishment for injurin' a fellow horde member?"

"Yes sir," the rat said miserably.

At this moment, Slipeye decided that comradeship probably was on the same par as knocking out your friends after all. "Go easy on 'im, sir," he said suddenly. "'E's fallen in love. 'Appens to all of us. Blugger wasn't bein' very nice."

"I. Haven't. Fallen. In. Love." growled Redfang. When angry, his common sense left him quickly. However, his pronunciation improved immensely which just went to show that there was always an upside to everything. Even falling in love.

The Rapmark considered himself to be an old veteran of just about everything and said, "Who's 'e fallen in love with then?"

"I said-"

"First sign of falling in love, that."

Redfang shut up.

"Rat over there, sir," said Slipeye, pointing to the rat. "'E was starin' at 'er."

The Rapmark looked. "Nice choice."

"So, 'ow ye gonna ask 'er, Redfang?" asked Splittail.

"I dunno," muttered Redfang who had, it should be noted, given up protesting his lack of love for the other rat. He thought that if he did that, maybe it would be the first sign of falling _out_ of love. No one else seemed to notice it.

"Ar, well, ye could allus try hittin' 'er over the 'ead," offered Blacknose.

"'Ow would that 'elp?"

"Er, dunno. Show 'er who's boss."

At this, the Rapmark burst out laughing in the way that someone who doesn't find something funny at all but wants to appear old and cynical does.

"Lads," he guffawed, "the female is always the boss."

"Right, sir," said Slipeye cheerfully. "So, 'ow would _ye_ go about getting' 'er?"

The officer thought for a moment. "Competition of strength, mates. Ye show 'er 'ow strong you are."

Redfang said nothing. He wasn't particularly strong.

"I dunno," muttered Splittail. "I'd just get someone to ask 'er."

This became the signal for everyone to start pouring out ideas. Eventually, Redfang decided to get them to shut up by thumping Slipeye, who thumped him back.

Once the Rapmark had separated the two rats, Slipeye spoke.

"Right, mates, I got an idea."

"Not another one," muttered Redfang.

"Shurrup, Reddie. Any'ow we all got different plans. An' we ain't leavin' fer a week. So, why don't Redfang try a different plan each day?"

"Cos yore plans ain't no good."

"Shuttup. Mates?"

Everyone (except Blugger, who was still unconscious, and Redfang, who was trying to think of a way out of this) agreed. And so, the seven plans of vermin began.

I) Leave her a present (Blugger's Plan)

"Look, there's a skull over there."

"Why'd she want that, snotbrain?"

"I'd like it."

"Yeah, but ye ain't a lady, are ye?"

Redfang rolled his eyes. The five friends were walking by the camp, trying to find a suitable gift to give to the lady rat. The Rapmark wasn't there but had assured them he would help when he could which would probably be never. So far, none of them could agree on anything.

"'Ow about this rock?" asked Blugger, holding up a sparkling lump of stone.

"Pudden-fer-brains, 'e's not goin' to _brain_ 'er. 'E wants 'er to like 'im," muttered Splittail.

"Yew think of something then."

"Yore idea, mate."

"If yore so smart then … Ow!" The ferret glared at the stoat. "Ye 'it me. Wot wuz that fer?"

"Fer bein' an idiot."

Blugger and Splittail began to fight. The other three spared them a glance before getting back to the task in hand.

"'Ow about a flower?" Redfang asked, pointing to a nearby yellow plant.

"It don't look very tasty," Blacknose observed.

"It ain't fer 'er to eat."

"Oh." The stoat scratched his head. "Wot's it fer then?"

"It's fer … fer … it looks nice."

Blacknose and Slipeye exchanged glances. "So?" they chorused.

"Er … don't ladies like nice things?"

Slipeye considered the flower. "It looks nice," he conceded, "but wot's she going to do with it?"

"Dunno," Redfang muttered miserably.

Slipeye smiled at his friend. "Leave it to me, mate. I know 'ow to do this."

"I thought it was Blugger's idea."

Slipeye smirked and then held out a dead bird. "'Ere ye go. Now yew go slip this outside 'er tent. That's wot Blugger said, right?"

"Aye." Blacknose thought for a moment. "Wot's 'appened to 'im anyway. And Splittie?"

They looked around and spotted them hunting for items about one hundred metres away, their fight forgotten.

"Do we tell 'em we found something?" asked Redfang.

Slipeye grinned. "Nah. Let 'em see fer themselves. Now come on."

Chuckling, Slipeye and Blacknose began to head back towards the camp. Redfang hesitated, trying to see if there was any way he could 'accidently' lose the bird or, perhaps, lose his friends. When no ideas presented themselves for either plan, he followed.

Redfang couldn't help feeling that he should at least tell the rat that it was him who had left the bird but Blugger had insisted that she would find it, look around and see him. Since he, as the afflicted one, was not allowed to present his own ideas, he had to go with it.

He quickly placed the bird outside her tent then went to stand by a nearby tree and watched. True to Blugger's word, the rat spotted the dead bird. Not true to Blugger's word, she merely picked it up with a comment about it being lucky it dropped dead there and walked off.

"So, did it work?" Blugger asked, catching up with Redfang.

"She got it," he said. "But she don't know it wuz me. Idiot."

II) Ask a friend to talk to her (Blacknose's Plan)

"'Ang on," said Redfang. "I ain't trustin' none of ye to go an' talk to 'er." He paused for a moment. "An' why can't I go ask 'er anyway?"

Blacknose laughed in much the same way the Rapmark had on the first day. "Cos ye'd get all mixed up an' then she wouldn't know what yew wuz sayin'. This way, she's got a chance."

Redfang glanced over to the female rat. Maybe Blacknose was right. Maybe he would get tongue-tied. After all, words weren't his strongest point. Hitting things was but he didn't think she'd appreciate that.

"Alright," he agreed. "But don't say nothin' stupid."

This was really asking for trouble.

"Who's goin'?" he added.

"Me."

"No, me."

"Why yew? I'm the best talker."

"Since when?"

Redfang watched in disbelief as his friends began to argue about who would have the – task, honour? – honour of talking to the rat maiden. After a few minutes, a small crowd had gathered and the fight looked nowhere near resolved. Redfang rolled his eyes.

"I'm just goin' to go an' speak fer myself, alright, lads?" he called.

It was almost like magic. Instantly, they stopped shouting and biting each other to stare at him.

"Blacknose, yew go," Redfang said quickly, taking advantage of this lull. "It wuz yore stupid idea." When Splittail, Blugger and Slipeye looked like they were going to object, Redfang threatened to just go himself. If there's one thing which annoys a vermin, it's trying to get credit for their plan. Blacknose practically ran.

As the rat-in-love, Redfang was forbidden to watch the exchange. Instead, Splittail and Slipeye went, leaving Blugger to make sure Redfang did not run for it. Redfang had not been completely worried until this was mentioned – why would he run for it unless Blacknose was planning to do something stupid? – but, hearing this, decided that it was the best time to desert Warfang's army, threat of imminent execution be damned. Blugger had to sit on him.

For about ten minutes, Blugger and Redfang conversed. A few creatures stopped to stare at the odd arrangement but they were otherwise left in peace. Besides, most creatures already knew why deserting the army would be a bad idea. And none cared enough to learn why deserting the army and facing a horrible death from Warfang might be better than being within a ten kilometre radius of a certain female rat after Blacknose was done.

Blugger – being the one whose face wasn't squashed into the ground – was the first to see the other three return. Blacknose had a long cut on his nose and Slipeye and Splittail were in fits of laughter.

"Why've yer gone quiet?" asked Redfang.

"Well," said Blugger hesitantly. "I like ye, mate..."

"Huh?"

"An' I don't want yer to get killed…"

"Blugger, what yer talkin' about?"

"I reckon I'd better keep ye 'ere till Blackie sez wot 'appened."

"Why?"

Blugger hesitated again. "I think ye'll see now."

/\/\/\/\/\/\

And so, with Blugger still sat firmly on Redfang, Blacknose arrived and explained. He had gone up to the female rat and asked him if she was interested in having a mate. The rat had, understandably, stared at him, confused by the abruptness of his question. Possibly, also, because he was a stoat, apparently asking a rat to be his mate.

She had said no.

This caused Blacknose to say, in what he clearly had thought was an encouraging voice, that she did have a chance because, with some weight loss and maybe a kinder voice, she would probably be quite pretty. And he did know someone who could look past this anyway. At this point, she slapped him, cutting his face with a claw.

Slipeye had to sit on Redfang as well, to make sure the rat could not kill Blacknose.

III) Demonstrate your strength in front of her (Splittail's Plan)

Splittail pointed enthusiastically to a nearby rock.

"All ye 'ave to do is pick that up an' smash it."

Redfang looked at the rock.

"That'd be a good plan," he agreed, "if I could do it."

"Why can't ye?"

"Yew do it!"

Splittail looked at him carefully and then walked over to the rock. He placed it on another rock and then punched it.

"Ow!"

"An' that's wot I mean."

Blacknose sniggered. "Serves yer right for tryin'."

"I didn't 'ear anyone," muttered Redfang. "'E ain't 'ere."

"Come on, Reddie," whined Blacknose.

"No."

"Well, 'ow about just snappin' something 'ard in front of 'er?" suggested Blugger, ignoring Redfang and Blacknose.

"Aye, that could work," said Splittail, nursing his paw.

"'Ow about I don't bother?"

"No. Yew go over to 'er an' offer to smash somethin' fer 'er," ordered Slipeye.

"That'd sound stupid," Redfang pointed out. "Hi, would ye like me to smash that rock over there?" He glared at his friends. "That'd be stupid."

"Well, say it better."

"'Ow?"

"Ye'll think of summat. Now go!"

"But-"

"Go!"

Slipeye gave Redfang a small shove to indicate that it was in his best interests to go over to the female rat. He glared at Slipeye before slouching off. The other four exchanged grins before getting up and following him.

As Redfang walked, he tried to think of good ways to pull this idea off. Obviously, just asking would be out of the question. This rat had slapped Blacknose yesterday for giving her his attention. Of course, most creatures longed to slap Blacknose so that could be considered understandable anyway. But he wasn't sure that most creatures didn't want to slap him either. He didn't think he wanted a slap.

He was so caught up in the probability of every member of the army wanting to slap him that he didn't realise he had arrived until a voice like an angel said, "Watch where yore goin', will yer?"

He jumped, startled, and looked into what surely must have been the prettiest eyes ever made.

"Er, er … ye want a paw?" he asked which made absolutely no sense to anyone: the only thing she was doing was polishing a knife and that was nearly done.

"With wot?" she asked curiously.

"Er … dunno." He looked around wildly. "I could smash that rock up? Or, er, I could snap some firewood."

"Why?"

"Er … I dunno," he muttered. This, at least, was true. If it had been up to him, he would have started the conversation along different lines. Maybe with a 'hello'. As it was, he was going to have to follow the original idea through. "Cos I'd like to … er…" He trailed off. He couldn't bring himself to utter the next words. They seemed even more stupid now than they had ten minutes ago.

"Ye'd like to…?"

"Smash things?" he suggested, wincing at his words. She stared at him. Those eyes were so pretty, even when she was confused. And her fur-

"I 'ave some stuff which needs smashin', if yer offerin'," another rat – a friend of hers – shouted, interrupting his thoughts/mindless staring.

He tried to grin. "Good." Then, realising he had no choice, he walked over to the rat's friend. Maybe she would still watch.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"That didn't work, did it, mate?" Slipeye asked sympathetically as Redfang arrived.

"Not really," he muttered. "She thinks I'm an idiot."

"Well, she ain't wrong, is she?" Splittail pointed out reasonably.

Redfang glared at the stoat. "Yew shurrup or I'll kill ye."

"Remember wot I said about Warfang and executions?"

Redfang nodded to Blugger but kept glaring at Splittail. "I don't care. I'd go 'appy, knowing Splittie died."

"At least 'e's stopped wantin' to kill me," muttered Blacknose.

"Yore next!"

Slipeye decided to intervene before murder could be committed in front of him. Of course, he did a lot of murdering but it was somehow different when it was amongst his friends. More chance he'd get in trouble.

"Well, ye didn't follow the plan, did ye, mate? Ye just let that other rat boss ye around."

"That's cos the plan was stupid. Why in 'ellfire's name would I ask 'er to let me smash things?"

"So she could see 'ow strong ye are."

Redfang stared at his friends. "That's it," he declared. "No more plans."

"But-"

"No!"

IV) Get into a fighting skills competition (The Rapmark's Plan)

Despite all of their pleading, Redfang refused to consider another plan. His friends had no way of making him agree to any.

Unfortunately, the Rapmark did.

The fox had spotted the comrades and, remembering Redfang's predicament, decided to see how he was doing. At which point, Slipeye described all of the disasters and, when the Rapmark suggested getting into a fight in front of her, mentioned Redfang's refusal to agree to any plans.

The Rapmark asked Redfang quite nicely whether this was true and whether this meant the rat wouldn't agree to his plan. Redfang replied that it was true. Then the Rapmark smirked and said that if he _ordered_ Redfang to keep trying the plans, he'd have to do it.

For the third time, Redfang debated deserting the army. Surely death was better than the embarrassment which was bound to follow any of these plans. Of course, death meant he wouldn't see the female rat again but, by this point, he was sure the only way he would do that would be if she went temporarily deaf, blind and insane. Something he highly doubted would actually occur.

As if guessing his thoughts, Blugger grabbed him and steered him towards the direction of the female rat.

"I bet I kin throw my knife further than yew," the ferret said loudly as they strolled by her tent.

"I know," he muttered. "Ye do it all the … ow! I mean," he said louder, rubbing his arm, "I bet ye can't."

Blugger stopped and threw his arms wide dramatically. "Sounds like a wager, Redfang."

"Er, yeah, it … ow!" He glared at the ferret. "Yeah, it is. Yew'll see, I'll win!" Then, under his breath, he added, "If'n I kin make ye go blind somehow."

The Rapmark, who 'just happened' to be passing, stopped by the pair who were now glaring fiercely at each other (Blugger was faking. Redfang really was doing it)

"Wot's goin' on 'ere then, lads?" he asked. The female rat exited her tent and stood among the crowd.

"Redfang sez 'e kin throw 'is knife further than me," Blugger declared.

"Go on then."

Redfang looked at the rapidly growing crowd before drawing his knife. Blugger pointed in the direction they had to throw in. Carefully, Redfang faced that direction and took aim.

The real problem with this plan, Redfang mused as he hurled the knife, was that he'd never really gotten the hang of throwing knives. He was more of a close-quarters rat. And this became depressingly clear as the hilt of the knife landed on a passing weasel's forehead.

"Wot the ... whose knife is this?" the weasel yelled. "I'll kill yer!"

The crowd burst into laughter as Redfang took one look at the weasel and bolted. The female rat had already disappeared.

He spent the rest of the day hiding in his tent.

V) Fight _her_ (Slipeye's Plan)

"No."

"But-"

"No!"

VI) Talk about other females in front of her (Slipeye's (Second) Plan)

After the competition failure, Redfang had been in a foul mood. He was _not_ impressed with the suggestion that he beat the female up. Apart from the sneaking suspicion that he would lose this fight, he didn't think the way to win _anyone's_ heart was to attack them. He vaguely wondered if this had occurred to Damug Warfang but decided that leading armies was different to courting.

Everyone had left him alone for the rest of the day. However, on the sixth day, Slipeye came up with a new plan. Redfang argued that he'd already had his chance. Apparently, it didn't count unless Redfang actually tried the plan. He couldn't help thinking that his friends were trying to humiliate him in front of all the Rapscallions.

The idea, Slipeye said, was simple. Females got jealous if they thought they couldn't have something. So if Redfang were to start talking about all of his _previous_ Mates, she'd get jealous.

"But," Redfang said, "I never _'ad_ a Mate before. An' why would I 'ave loads anyway? Wouldn't she think I never like anyone?"

"No – shows yore a good rat to 'ave."

Redfang weighed up the pros and cons and decided that although the cons far outweighed the pro (getting the girl), the pro was probably non-existent now anyway so if it would shut Slipeye up, he'd do it.

Slipeye pulled him towards the rat's tent and directed them to walk in front of it.

"Reddy, saw ye with that lass las' night. 'Ow d'ye do it?"

"Er ... do wot?"

Slipeye elbowed him and motioned for him to stop. "Get the females, mate. Wanna lend me an 'and?"

"Oh! Er, ye know, I just ... talks, I guess."

"Did ye prefer 'er to ... Tulka?"

This time, Redfang guessed what Slipeye was talking about. "No, but she was ... nice?"

Slipeye shot him a pitying look. "Nice?"

"Yeah."

"So wot was that? Your fifth female?"

"Er ... a rat never tells?"

Slipeye grinned, pleased that Redfang was picking this up. "I know wot ye mean, cully."

At that point, the tent flap opened and the female rat came out. Redfang and Slipeye turned.

"Would the pair of ye go away?" she asked. "I was tryin' to sleep in there!" When the pair exchanged looks, she held up her sword. "Or I kin gut yer, I don't mind."

They left.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"So, a success or wot, mate?" Slipeye asked. "She's jealous."

"Really, mate?" Redfang asked. "Cos I think she's just tired. And 'sides, 'ow does it 'elp? She doesn't know _I _like 'er. She just thinks I go off with any old female rat."

"Only the nice ones," Slipeye replied, grinning mockingly.

"Oh, shurrup. Wot was I meant to say? I told yer, I never' ad a Mate before!"

At that moment, Blugger, Blacknose and Splittail came over to find out how it had gone. After getting the story from the rats, they debated what Redfang's next plan should be. The rat finally lost his temper.

"No!" he snarled. "No more plans. This rat don't like me now and anything I do, I'm doin' meself or so 'elp me, I'll slit all of yore throats, no matter wot Damug Warfang will say to that."

And he stormed off.

VII) Just talk to her (Redfang's Plan)

He'd packed up most of his stuff on the seventh day and was just walking around the camp when he happened to bump into the female rat. He was about to walk off when he thought of something important. Most vermin wouldn't think of it but if she was going to think of him as a lunatic, she was going to think of him as a _polite_ lunatic.

"Sorry," he muttered to her. "An' sorry about Blacknose talkin' to yer an' me an' Slipeye wakin' ye up ... an' all of the stupid things I done this week."

She put down the knapsack she was carrying and looked at him. "Ye did other stupid stuff?"

He nodded miserably. "Yeah. Er ... I got into a knife throwing competition in front of ye an' 'it a weasel, I offered to smash stuff for ye an' left ye a bird which ye didn't know was me."

"Ye mean that bird last week was yew?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Er ... Blugger said ... cos I'm an idiot?"

She laughed. He decided to just go for it. He turned around, picked up a flower and handed it to her.

"My name's Redfang," he said. "An' this is fer ye. I wanted to give it to yer at first but my mates said ye wouldn't like it. An' I did all that stupid stuff cos I think yore beautiful and wanted ye to be my Mate. An' now, I'm gonna go and drown meself cos I feel like dyin' on the spot."

He turned, trying to locate the nearest body of water. Then he felt a claw on his shoulder, turning him back to face the female rat.

"So ye _do_ like me," she said. "I thought you 'ad all those other rats."

"No. Slipeye's idea."

"Ah." She nodded. "Well, I'm Marla. An' I think it's kind of nice that ye'd do all of that just to get me."

He smiled. "So ye don't think I'm an idiot?"

"I do," she said, "but I likes that." She extended a paw. "All you 'ad to do was talk to me."

He grabbed the paw. "I know, I shoulda" he replied. "But at least I done it now."

And they walked off, paw-in-paw. The best laid plans of mice may often go awry but the worst plan of vermin seemed like the best one right now.


End file.
